i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
