I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Randomize
