We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
