I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
