Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
