If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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