WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
