I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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