The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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