soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
