i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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