i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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