your room smells of hookers.
And success
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
