Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
