I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
