My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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