I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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