Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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