who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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