Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
