yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Randomize
