Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
