I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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