so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
