I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
