I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
