so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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