i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
