My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Randomize
