I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
