Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Randomize
