Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
