I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
