is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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