not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
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