Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
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