You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I should be sponsored by Trojan
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
