Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Randomize
