This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Drake has all the answers
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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