my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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