I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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