I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
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