I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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