You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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