i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
