4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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