dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
