And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize