I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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