Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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