Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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