We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
