During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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