On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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